


Glue

by namelessjen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Coping, Death, Depression, Drinking, Drugs, Gen, Grief, Loss, Love, Memories, Mourning, Multi, Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-04
Updated: 2013-10-04
Packaged: 2017-12-28 09:23:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/990391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/namelessjen/pseuds/namelessjen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were many things that kept the band together, </p><p>Many things that without, would make the band fall apart.</p><p>With a loss of one of their own, </p><p>how will the boys handle the broken pieces, when the glue that held them all tightly bound together is missing. </p><p>When the one person who they each relied on was gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This book started before Liam and Danielle broke up, before Sophia was in the picture.

Chap 1  
Skinny Love  
There were a million things that Louis Tomlinson regretted in his life time. Some of which were relevant to his life, and others were all just part of the journey to becoming the man he was now, the man he wasn’t proud of. Maybe stealing a biscuit from his mother’s pantry, while she was nursing his baby sisters. Back when he was 10, was the root to his dissatisfaction in his adulthood. It’s not like it wasn’t possible, it’s proven that events from your childhood were events that could piece together the future, they could change the way your destiny was determined. Louis knew he was being silly even thinking back to that day, why bother when nothing could or would change? He was sorry, he had told his mother so later that evening when she stood in his doorway looking down into his blue eyes with her disappointment face. 

 

“Lou, did you steal a biscuit after I told you not to?” She asked with a stern face, Louis knew even back then that she hated having to discipline him. She hated it with a passion. They way her eyes looked almost dead, and how her voice was strained like she wished she could just walk over and give him a cuddle. 

He shook his head at first, not wanting her to yell. He didn’t want to be a naughty boy. He wanted to be her Boo, her baby boy. The guilt ate him inside even if the lie only lasted a second. His lip quivered as the anticipation of trouble doomed him. He looked up at her again before letting it all out. “I only took one, I am so sorry Mum. Please don’t be mad at me.” He splattered his words out like an infant flinging mashed potato across the kitchen. The way his eyes floated around the room unable to look at her, too afraid of her reaction. 

 

The sigh that left her lip, Louis now knew well. It was the same sigh that escaped her the day he told her about the split between him and Hannah, or the day he was suspended from school. He knew each and every whimper or facial expression his mother ever gave, probably because he was nearly always the cause for them. 

Now things were different, he couldn’t even bring himself to return her phone calls. He knew she was worried about his wellbeing, he knew she was only trying to help but it broke his heart even thinking about answering the phone, or returning her phone calls. He did however keep in touch with his sister Lottie, every so often he’d respond to her texts. She never asked him the obvious questions; her check-ups were more subtle. The occasional ‘How was your weekend?’ or ‘I miss you!’ were the only things she sent much to Louis’ delight. He didn’t mind the shallowness of their newfound relationship. It gave him space to gather his thoughts; it meant he didn’t have to make up a new idiotic excuse as to why he couldn’t answer her questions. He didn’t want to be one of those brothers who disappointed. He just wanted to put on a brave face, which was what he was trying to accomplish.   
His ringtone echoed as a sudden gush of phone signal bounded in, message after message seemed to flood his inbox, not that he was checking the phone that sat beside him on the hood of his navy BMW, instead his attention was scattered, his shattered blue eyes stared across the horizon, the beauty of the town below him was the only thing he allowed himself to take in. 

 

The cool winters air was like a slap on the face, which he felt he deserved. He didn’t care if his face was turning an unflattering crimson colour, it was just a reminder to him and to all that he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t okay in fact. His insides screamed for help. Help that he would never ask for, the pain was just too strong, like a dagger in his heart.   
His hands brought down the woolen material of his beanie, further down to cover his frozen ears as he continued to star out across the lookout view. He had no change in his pockets, nothing but a credit card filled with millions of pounds, money he wished he didn’t have. If he had even a penny inside his dusty jeans, he would have slotted it straight into the telescope only a few feet from his car, he would then take a peep of the town through the lens, spotting out Liam’s old place, or maybe his own house through the foggy sky. 

 

It just wasn’t fair; it should be Liam sitting there beside him, laughing about how stupid the pair of them were for being out in the cold so early. The sunlight was barely a problem behind the protection of Louis’ sunglasses, the same pair he had bought on a trip to L.A with Liam a few months earlier. It wasn’t planned that he was wearing them, it just happened that way when he jumped in his car not too long before. They were the only pair in his car, he couldn’t help it.   
“I’ll race ya.” He had told him, a week or so before, Louis had laughed. Shaking his head in response, there was no way Liam would beat him in a race. He just ran straight to his car, jumping into his driver’s seat without bothering with a seatbelt. Reckless driving wasn’t something the endorsed to their fans, it was just a release they had felt on that day. “Bring it on Payne!” He had called out of his window. He heard Liam’s cocky laughter from the other car, it was drowned out by the roaring of the two engines. Louis reached over to adjust the volume knob for his stereo system; it was only for a second before he noticed that Liam was already driving in front of him. 

 

The memories of Liam were fresh in his mind, they had known each other four years, those four years had been filled with more memories than he could handle. Those nights back in the X-factor house where they would stay up playing cards with the other contestants, or the times they would purposely muck up Harry’s solo’s just because they knew he couldn’t yell at them mid performance.   
It’s not like the two of them shared some kind of special bond, but the bond was still there, band mates to best mates, that’s what they all were. It was funny how the loss of one person changed everything. Louis didn’t even want to think about the future, he couldn’t even seem to get past the present.   
The past was too hard to focus on, it hurt too much remembering the good times and realizing there would never be another happy moment again, at least not where he was concerned. His career wasn’t important anymore, and even if it wasn’t ruined he didn’t think he could ever keep going with the band. There was no One Direction without Liam. 

 

Flashes of that night flew past his mind in a matter of seconds, he knew exactly what Liam was wearing when he left, he remembered snippets but his mind was blocking any real detail of what happened. Like protecting him was the best way to handle his situation. Why didn’t anyone protect Liam? Why didn’t anyone see he needed protecting?  
So many questions flooded his mind, too many than he was able to answer. It wasn’t like he was superhuman, he was nowhere near perfect like the fans all seemed to think. Putting on a mask of smiles and crazy expressions wasn’t perfect. Sure he enjoyed most of his life, he was mostly happy but that wasn’t perfect, not like everyone expected him to be. He couldn’t handle any of that anymore. Not without Liam being there to tell him it was okay. 

He felt a string of guilt in his heart, knowing that at least half the missed calls on his phone were from his beautiful girlfriend, and other half. Eleanor had agreed to give him space, but maybe that was only because he had yelled at her, he didn’t mean to lose his temper, it just came with the mourning. Her face had fallen further than he had ever seen it before. It was like he had turned into one of those people who only knew how to hurt everyone. One of those bastards who hurt every single person who ever cared for him, he hated being that guy, but he didn’t know how to stop it.

 

“El just stop it!” His face was red, and the way she flinched backwards told him that he had finally gotten through to her. Ever since it had all happened, she hadn’t left his side. She meant well, he knew that but it didn’t stop the way it made him feel. The way her lip quivered as she moved away from him, fear shot through her body. He could read it on her pretty face, the way her eyes flickered as if they were trying to hold back hot tears. He hated it when she cried; he hated it even more when he was the cause for them. Yet he couldn’t deal with her right then, the pressure of staying strong on the outside just wasn’t cutting it any longer. “Please just leave.” He said sternly, keeping an expressionless face. He didn’t even break when she picked up her bags from the floor of his master bedroom. He didn’t break when she looked back with tear filled eyes and walked out the door swiftly.   
The messages didn’t stop coming though, she would ‘check-in’ every few hours, probably to see if he would reply for once. He knew he wasn’t replying to anyone any time soon. He couldn’t deal with their pointless advice, or their constant ‘I know how you feel’ because they didn’t, they had no idea how he was feeling. The only people who knew were Niall, Harry and Zayn. The three people who he hadn’t spoken to since the incident, he didn’t want to hear what they had to say, he didn’t want to see them at all even though he knew he would have to come out of hiding sooner or later.

 

The fans were the worst. The support pages they tagged him in on twitter were enough to make him throw up each and every time he stupidly clicked on a link. Three whole days he suffered through that, three entire days of self inflicted torture he endured as he clicked link after link, watching videos and reading blogs. It was enough to punish himself, enough to bring him to deactivating his twitter account, with no plans to return any time soon.   
His phone started ringing once more, he didn’t know why he hadn’t just switched it off. It’s not like he was responding to anybody, it’s not like he had any use for the device. Maybe a part of him still longed for Liam’s ringtone to blare through his ears. He knew it would never happen, and if it did, it wouldn’t be the voice he was expecting on the other end of the line. 

 

He handled the phone between his fingers, swiping the screen to unlock to take a look at his recent missed calls. Harry Styles. For a moment he was tempted to call him back, to ask him what he wanted. Why did he wait 10 days to call him, why didn’t he look at him during the funeral service? Was it that hard to mutter an empathetic hello? Why would Harry bother calling now? It just wasn’t fair, on either of them. 

 

Louis remembered the look on Harry’s eyes that day at the cemetery, they were cold. A shiver even erupted down the face of Louis’ warmly covered arms at the thought. If Harry really wanted to talk, maybe Louis owed it to him to call back. His thoughts raced through his splintered mind as he debated whether or not he should re-dial. The interruption, footsteps heard across the graveled car park forced his attentions away from his phone. He didn’t even have to look up, he already knew who it was walking across the ground in his direction. 

 

A whiff of her scent caught inside his nostrils as she leant against his car. A sniffle suggested that she had been crying not long before hand. Louis wasn’t in the mood to be sympathetic, even though he knew she deserved it the most of anyone else caught up in this web of heartache. He took in a deep breath as he felt a steaming hot coffee cup being placed against his hand. He looked down at it and politely took the gift. 

 

“This was his favourite place.” She whispered, with a tearful tone of voice. Louis nodded his head as he allowed the steaming hot coffee drip down his dried throat. Liam had brought her there a lot, Louis knew that. He remembered that night when the two of them had bought their girlfriends to the lookout for a date night. They had conspired it to be the most romantic foursome they could have come up with, but the date didn’t go to plan. Danielle tripped over a loose pavement, resulting in Liam having to nurse her ankle for most of the night, not that he minded the close proximity at all. Eleanor however had concocted an allergic reaction to the wildflowers, showing Louis in sneezes almost the whole time, he insisted he didn’t mind, but she couldn’t stop apologizing the entire time.

 

A half smile applied itself to Louis’ otherwise expressionless face as he thought back to that night. Danielle wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket, or rather Liam’s jacket that she hadn’t taken off since the night he died. Louis thought he was broken, but without even looking up he knew she was hurting even more than he ever would.

He forced himself to turn and face her. She looked awful, if that was even possible. She tried to smile at him, but instead it only brought on a waterfall of tears. “You know, I still haven’t packed up his things yet.” She started to say, breaking between words to let out un-wanted sobs, she kept wiping her eyes and trying not to seem weak. 

Louis was in no way judging her, he had no right. She was aching the same way he was. The difference being she had lost the love of her life, he couldn’t even fathom how that would feel at all. She started speaking again after letting herself choke on her well deserved tears. “I can’t do it Louis; if his things aren’t there it means he isn’t coming back.” She managed to squeak out. He nodded, not letting himself fall into the trap of cuddling into her. He couldn’t break down in front of her, there was no way he would allow that. “…but if they stay there, it’s like he is coming home but he never will.” Louis frowned, as the coffee cup fell from his grasp, spilling its contents all down the front of his car. He didn’t even look down at the damage; instead he turned to face her. “I bet he is watching us right now, trying to tell us that it will get better but knowing we won’t believe him.” He told her warmly, placing his hand over hers supportively. Her eyes met his, a small appreciative smile tucked the corner of her lips upward. 

 

“He’s probably glad he didn’t have to watch the footie match the other night, he hated it when his team lost.” She sniffed, with the smile still fighting with her tears. He knew she was trying to be strong, and so was he. He also knew that no matter how hard they hid it, they couldn’t hide the truth from themselves. It was too strong, the way his heart sank at even the mention of Liam, made him want to throw up, just not like this. The way Danielle spoke about him made it all seem to spin on a different string. The way she spoke about him, it felt different. Like he actually still meant something to her, everyone else spoke about Liam as if he was the past, like he wasn’t still a huge impact on their lives. He hated that everyone seemed to be able to so easily give up on his memory. Maybe they just didn’t want to get hurt, or maybe they really did just want to move on with their lives as if he didn’t matter.   
“You’re the first person to talk to me this week” She sniffed, he rubbed his thumb gently across her cold hands, the contrast of temperature sent chills down his arms. “I haven’t shaved my legs in however many days, and just look at me, I don’t care about what I look like anymore.” She admitted, staring out at the amazing morning view. Louis let out a sigh, one that would go along perfectly with his mothers. 

 

“You are still beautiful, and Liam never cared what you looked like, he loved you for you, babe.” He told her sweetly, following her gaze towards the town. He took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly before asking the question. “How did you know where to find me?” He asked her softly, cranking his neck to look back at her again.   
She looked him in the eye, her lips parted as if she was going to say something but instead she shrugged. He chuckled on the inside, it probably wasn’t hard to guess where he had been. It’s not like he had kept his liking to the look out a secret. It was the one place he and Liam had in common, she probably guessed it.   
“You want to go to starbucks?” She asked him, nodding towards the spilt coffee, he laughed awkwardly before nodding his head. “I actually think I need that actually.” He admitted, letting go of her hand.   
\---


	2. Morning Sun

Chap 2  
Morning Sun 

The lingering smell of ash, spread through Harry’s crinkled t-shirt. The memories of the prior night washed through his mind, as the pounding headache erupted through his aching body. The nights since Liam’s passing had been rough on the poor lad, but if you were an outsider you would never notice, not with the way he had been partying. Girls, he remembered girls, and that pretty much summed up his evening. It was every morning when he realized he shouldn’t have drank that much, every single morning he promised himself as he crawled out of bed that he would have an evening in His eyes skimmed the clock this particular morning; the dimly lit room was enough to keep his eyes from hurting. He craned his neck to see if anybody was in the bed beside him, he hated when that happened. He hated when he brought girls home. He couldn’t just leave them asleep when it was in his house. He couldn’t just walk out the door and never come back. Luckily for him, there was no extra body sprawled across his mattress. He was alone, unless you counted the purring of his silky black cat The cat purred once a form of life appeared, as Harry sat up, the kitty crawled instantly towards his lap, lapping up the attention as he sleepily scratched her behind her ears. Harry’s love for his pet always amazed Liam, who secretly expected Harry to forget to feed it. Yet even drunk Harry managed to leave out the cat biscuits every night as he stumbled into his home. It had become second nature to him, a habit, just not one that would be advised to break. Harry reached over to the bedside table, where his phone was placed face down. With a swipe of the screen and a press of a button, the familiar number was blaring up as a phone call. He pressed the machine to his ear and listened in for the voice mail. “Hi, this is Liam. Sorry I missed your call; I will give you a buzz when I can.” Harry sighed, ‘No you won’t Liam.’ He thought to himself sadly. No matter how many times Harry had dialled that number, he never felt any better. Hearing his voice just tore him up on the inside, making him remember the night of his death clearer and clearer. “Harry, look at them all.” Liam pointed out the window of their van, fans were following their cars down the street, all of them were staring out of their tinted windows in awe. It’s not like they hadn’t been noticed before. During X-Factor they had been treated like celebrities, but this was different, they had their own album by then and everything just seemed so surreal. Harry patted Louis’ knee nodding over at Liam who was over-excited. He gave him a little nod, as if to say ‘Yeah I have my own eyes.’ It’s not like Harry didn’t like Liam, of course he did, but the two of them weren’t the closest of the band is all. Thinking back to that exact moment only saddened Harry deep down in his guilty heart. Why hadn’t he made effort to become closer to Liam? It just didn’t seem fair! The thing that made it all worse was the events of that very night. He didn’t even want to think about what his last words to Liam were; he had blocked it out from his memory completely. The bottom line was they were certainly not pleasant. The clutch Harry had on his phone was growing tighter, so tight in fact that his knuckles were turning white, the stress of the memories pained his mind. He wasn’t thinking clearly, he couldn’t think clearly ever since that phone call. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t completely sober that night because hell, he could remember that phone call. The one he almost dismissed “Liam has been in an accident.” No, he couldn’t have been in an accident, this had to be a joke! “He’s in surgery”' Very funny Louis! I am not in the mood for your stupid games! “It doesn’t look good Harry.” Oh come on, where is he hiding? Put him on the phone. “I think you should come down here H.” Those words sank through his body, why was it that he assumed Louis was joking? Their relationship had been strained, but Harry never thought it was that bad. Why in the world couldn’t he read him the way he used to? It just threw him right off. Before he knew what he was doing, Louis’ number was plastered upon his calling screen. Louis wouldn’t answer, he told himself over and over, hoping he was wrong, hoping he was paranoid. He had to be imagining it in his head, right? “Hey this is Louis, either I don’t want to talk to you or I can’t. Leave a message and I will probably forget to get back to you.” His heart sank, he knew it would happen, he had prepared himself yet of course it still hurt. His best friend, Liam’s best friend, didn’t want to talk to him. Deep down Harry didn’t even blame him. It wasn’t as if he had been the greatest mate to either of them in the recent months. Google news had informed Harry of Louis’ whereabouts every day since the funeral, and when that was lacking, twitter seemed to do the trick. He never once checked his mentions. He didn’t want to read through stupid sympathy tweets. He didn’t deserve them, not when he knew that it was all his fault that Liam left that night. Nobody understood that, Nobody. The fans had no idea what their lives were really like, all they saw was what they wanted to show, they didn’t see the friendships being torn apart, they never saw the arguments, or the stress they had almost every day. They didn’t want it that way, Harry didn’t want it that way. The late night calls he shared with his Mum were the only release he had, he couldn’t tell Niall or Zayn about his envy, he couldn’t tell Liam or Louis either. She was the only person who knew about the argument with Liam, and Harry loved her for it. The night before the funeral, she was laying down with him in his room. He curled his fingers around hers, as he took in a huge breath. He hadn’t yet cried, he didn’t think he deserved the tears. It’s not like Liam would want him to cry over him either. Something in the way she had been his comfort made him break down. As soon as one tear fell, there was nothing to stop the flood waters erupting down his pretty face. “Let them out.” She whispered, as he rolled over to hug her. The way she patted his back, the way she held her baby boy, took Harry back to the days of his childhood. Those days, when he had just had enough and needed a cuddle; or those mornings, when he and Gemma would snuggle up under her blankets. One on either side of Anne, each holding onto her arms, they would talk about everything under the sun, boyfriend’s, girlfriend’s, school work, television, fights, dreams, everything you could name, it was their special time, something he missed having in his life. “Hi Lou, it’s me Harry. I miss you.” He whispered before hanging up as warm stinging tears rolled down his cheeks. Louis didn’t care, how would he? He hated that he was selfish enough to keep thinking like that, poor little Harry misses his best friend. Why couldn’t he just focus on the fact that his life had changed forever? Liam was gone and was never coming back. The band was over, and it was probably all his fault. He threw his phone across the bed with one swift movement, tiptoeing across the floor and walking straight into his bathroom, his boxers were flung across the cold tiles, as he aimed into the toilet, for some reason watching himself pee took his memories back even further, to a day he hasn’t forgotten.  
“Oops” “Hi” “You were good out there.” Louis told him, patting him on the shoulder, Harry had hung his head in embarrassment. Compliments had never been his strong point, at sixteen he was still in that shy stage of communication. “Thanks, you were great too.” He returned the kind words, he meant it though, he had been watching Louis from backstage. The kid had talent, although he couldn’t call him kid to his face. “Can I have a photo with you?” Louis had asked, the request was quite strange, but Harry never questioned it. As soon as the photograph was snapped, Harry had this sudden feeling of fulfillment; all of his nerves from the competition were suddenly gone. He was calm, he wanted to win so badly, but it wasn’t until right then and there did he actually believe he could do it. The warm water of Harry’s shower, soothed his aching headache, the sound of the running water, and a light hum would be the only thing heard if anyone were to walk in at that moment. He never sang in the shower, always too embarrassed and never wanting to turn into one of those people. Humming was the extent of his shower career. Liam always sang in the shower, everybody knew it too. Those days when they shared a bathroom, those days when all four of them would tease him over it, but Liam didn’t care. He was just too happy, and they all took advantage of that. Liam was the happiest person Harry had ever met, he was always positive and sure it annoyed him at times, it was probably the best quality the boy had and Harry admired him for it, despite all the hard feelings that had overpowered in his last months of life. “He was always so happy” Niall sniffed, as the four One Direction boys huddled together outside of the church. Louis was silent, Harry had never seen him that way before. Zayn was the one to speak next, as if he had the need to respond. “He made us all happy.” He whispered softly, all four of them nodded along to the truthful words that were just spilled out from Zayn’s lips. Harry felt as though his whole body would explode, it’s not like he didn’t agree, because he did, how could he not? Liam was definitely the gleeful one of the bunch, with Louis and Niall not far behind him. The sounds of Liam’s sisters wailing, and Danielle breaking down were enough to send him over the edge, before he knew what he was doing, he was wriggled out of the grasp of both Niall and Zayn, and was running away.  
He didn’t stop running until he could barely see the church, he knelt down on the grass beside an old willow tree that was dancing in the breeze, he buried his face inside his large hands and sobbed, his cries came from the depth of his soul, his whole upper body shook as the sobs bellowed from his stomach upward. He hadn’t even heard the footsteps, or seen the person who had knelt down in front of him. A pair of small hands rested on his shoulders, he took a while before finally looking up into the hazel eyes of Eleanor. She handed him a tissues, which he gratefully took from her. “It’s okay to cry Harry, you don’t have to hide.” She told him with a sweet smile. He nodded, unable to say any words, or at least none that would come out right. She crawled over to sit down beside of him, her dress neatly flowing against the grass. “He had a great life.” She spoke again, he didn’t know if she was expecting an answer, so he merely nodded as his response. It was weird, he hardly talked to her anymore, it’s not like they were entirely tight in the first place, but still it seemed a little weird to him that she was suddenly miss comfort. When her fingers wrapped around his, he let out a tired sigh, he didn’t deserve her kindness but there she was to give it to him anyway. Louis would probably not have been impressed; it was his girlfriend talking to his not so best friend, when she would probably be better off talking with him instead. “You will see him again, I know you will. Do you know that Harry?” She asked, and this time he knew she wanted an answer, she was never pushy, he knew that. So he looked down at their hands before taking another deep breath. “I don’t think I will El.” He answered truthfully, just seconds before he broke down into a million unfixable pieces. Tears fell down his face as he stepped out of his shower, and slipped his boxers back up over his legs. Why was everybody being so nice to him? Every day a new long lost friend would text, email or call him. He wouldn’t answer of course, not believing that he deserved one second of it, but of course he read through each and every single message. It scared him that everyone assumed that he couldn’t handle it, were they suspicious? Was that what this was? He was so clouded with thoughts that he literally jumped into the air when he saw who was sitting on his bed. “The hell are you doing here?” He asked her, covering his chest with his arms. She pursed her lips, taking a breath before answering. “H(air)ry you called me.” Taylor told him with a sympathetic expression. Flashes shot through his mind, trying to source the memory of when he would be stupid enough to call her of all people. “Tayyyyyy!” He slurred into his phone, he had downed more alcohol than he had ever consumed in one sitting, he was sitting on the grass out front of his favourite bar, he had no logical accountability, which explained why he would have done such a thing. Back then he couldn’t even remember his name, let alone think about the consequences. “Well I take it back, off you hop.” He said sweetly, not wanting to sound rude, she was very sensitive when it came to word choices and tones. She looked up at him with those stupid sappy eyes and he kind of felt bad for her, she was only there because he called, because he was obviously hurting. “H(air)ry, look at you. I can’t leave you like this.” She scoffed, jumping off the bed and making him lay down. “I will make you a cup of coffee, don’t worry about a thing okay? I’ll look after you.” In all seriousness he was too tired to protest, too sick of everything to turn her away. If she wanted to help him he didn’t have any energy to disagree. “That would be great, thanks Taylor.” She leant over to press a sticky red kiss against his heated forehead. “You aren’t drinking tonight.” She told him before bounding down his hallway. He rolled over to grab his phone, normally he would text Louis, and they would have a laugh over something like this, but he still hadn’t returned his call. A sigh escaped his lips as he looked at the blank screen. Taylor was back, Liam was gone and Louis still didn’t want to talk to him, maybe this was what he deserved? Maybe this was happening for a reason, he laughed at the thought of Liam sitting up in heaven laughing at the turn of events, in stitches over the Taylor situation. He just hoped Liam had room for forgiveness in that huge cheerful heart of his, because that’s something that he needed, whether or not he thought he deserved it.


	3. Chapter 3

Chap 3

Turn Your Face

Perrie Edwards rolled over and wrapped her skinny arms around the waist of her sleeping boyfriend. He hadn’t moved from that same sleeping position since he had stumbled into bed the night before. She rested her forehead against the back of his neck; she was worried about him anyone in her position would be. She couldn’t recall him eating a proper meal since the accident, and it frightened her. Gone were the days when she would order take out, and he would steal half her food after insisting he wasn’t hungry, now all he did was mope, and she couldn’t blame him. His best friend was gone, and she hated that there was no way to fix it.   
The vibrations from her ringing mobile phone startled her as the bed started tickling her skin. She reached down to grab it before it could fall off the edge. The light glowed across her face as the rest of the room was a pit of pitch blackness. Zayn seemed to like living in the dark lately. The message that appeared on her screen was from Eleanor, it took her a moment to remember when she had exchanged numbers with Louis’ girlfriend, but figured it must have been around the time of Harry’s birthday party. She had spent almost the entire night alongside of her, parties tended to grow boring when you were the only one not drinking. 

‘Has Zayn talked to you yet? Lou is still avoiding my calls :(‘ The message read, the truth was Zayn hadn’t talked to her about Liam at all. He had just stayed quiet, only speaking when he had to. He never returned kisses, so she was glad she was living with him, the torture of having him avoid a phone call would have eaten her up inside. She couldn’t even imagine how Eleanor was feeling, and heaven forbid, how Danielle must be feeling. 

‘No still waiting for that. No rush though. He will talk when he is ready x’ She looked over at Zayn who had now rolled over to face her, she dropped the phone onto the bed beside of her, dipping her head to the side as she looked over at him. His fingers made their way to her knee, rubbing her skin lightly, it brought tears to her eyes, he had hardly touched her lately, not that she was wanting him to ravish her needs or anything bizarre like that, she just missed the way he always had to have one body part touching her. She smiled over at him, noticing his tired red eyes, he looked up at her, the corner of his mouth triggered upwards into a cute half smile.   
“Perrie, can you run me a bath?” He croaked, looking her in the eyes. She nodded straight away, holding onto his hand for a moment, before climbing off the bed. Zayn rubbed his eyes, trying to control his thoughts. He watched her blonde hair bounced, and the way her hips swayed as she walked into their bathroom. In his mind he didn’t deserve to have someone like her, she was too kind. After everything they had been through he wouldn’t have blamed her if she left him during any point of time. 

He loved her, everyone knew that, but sometimes he doubted that she knew exactly how much. He was a walking disaster when it came to Perrie, the way he always seemed to slip up, the way he always knew exactly what to say to make her forgive him. It wasn’t fair in his opinion, and he knew it wasn’t fair in many others.   
“Zayn just tell me” She had said to him that afternoon in the back of the car. He was always crapping himself in shame. He never wanted to admit his faults, as long as they weren’t spoken aloud he was usually fine, but he couldn’t lie to her face, he just couldn’t. “Perrie.” He grabbed hold of her little hands as his breath caught in his throat. “No, Zayn. I just want to know.” She cut him off with her hand. “Yeah, it happened.” He finally caved; he could barely look at her, his eyes fell to his dusty shoes as he heard her crying. “I’m sorry” He whispered, she laughed bitterly, trying to hold her tears back. “Oh, I know.” She shook her head, as she blocked her tears with the edge of her pointer finger. “You always are, and I’m the one who falls for it every time.” She sniffed, his heart sank. He thought for sure that they were over at that moment. He ran his fingers through her Mauve curls. “I know.” He whispered, turning her to face him. Her blue eyes locked with his almost instantly. “..but I love you.” He promised, resting his forehead against hers. She nodded, cupping the back of his neck, “I don’t want to break up.” She whispered, as tears continued to roll down her raw cheeks. 

A tear almost fell from his eyes as he remembered back to that moment. She didn’t deserve him, but there she was drawing him a bath. He used his minimal strength and willpower to climb off the king sized bed and walk into the bathroom. The bath water smelt of lavender, it was Perrie’s favourite scent. He wasn’t too fussed on it to be honest but it was the thought that counted. 

She stood up from her seated position on the side of the spa bath, her hands landed on the tops of his shoulders, her bath robe was opened a little, and of course his eyes couldn’t help but peak at her almost exposed body. “You coming in with me?” He asked with a small smile. Her eyes widened only slightly as if the question had caught her terribly off guard, a slight nod indicated that she would loved to get into the tub with him. 

He stripped down to his bare skin, sliding his body inside the warm water, letting the delicate fumes enter his nostrils. Perrie took longer to strip from her nightwear. She soon dipped her toe inside the water, testing the temperature even though Zayn was already contently covered in the bubble foam. She slipped her entire body inside, moving over to sit beside him. He reached under water to grasp her hand. 

“I want to get another tattoo.” He whispered, wrapping his other arm around her shoulders. She was busy scrubbing his chest with the bubbles gently. She looked up after registering what he had just said. “Oh, what of?” She asked, not understanding his obsession with tattoos at all. “I was thinking LJP, right here.” He held up his index finger, rubbing along the inside of it. “I need to do something.” He explained, stiffening up at the thought of Liam. He hadn’t once spoken about him since the funeral where everybody was speaking about him. 

“This is good grog.” Niall noted, holding his glass up in the air. Zayn rolled his eyes at his friend as he could barely stand up anymore. “You aren’t meant to get drunk at funerals Niall.” He hissed, trying to make sure Liam’s parents didn’t see Niall in that state. The Irish boy cackled, as he nearly dropped the glass straight onto the ground. “If you aren’t meant to drink it then why do they have it here?” He questioned, causing Zayn to think it over for a moment. 

“It won’t bring him back.” He hissed, dragging the heavy boy outside to sit on the steps. Niall rested his tired head against the older boy’s shoulder, it just wasn’t fair. Sure Niall was Irish, and he sure as hell drank like one but why? Why did Liam have to die? Was it really because of what he had said to him that night, he hadn’t seemed too upset by the news, but it wouldn’t have surprised Zayn if his poor mate had stressed over it, but was it enough stress to distract him from the road. All he knew was his last words to Liam Payne weren’t exactly the greatest. “Don’t tell anybody.” He had said to him that night. Liam had nodded, patting his arm as reassurance or some kind of closure. Liam was always too understanding for Zayn’s taste, he never once yelled at him for cheating on Perrie, he never got mad at him for trying weed that one time. He was always so calm and collected unless you had a go at his girlfriend of course.   
“Secret is safe with me.” 

Why would he say that? It just didn’t make sense, why would he agree to keep something so huge to himself it just wasn’t normal. Maybe that is why Zayn confined in Liam in the first place, because he knew the kind boy would never spill. 

“He loved me.” Niall slurred and Zayn started laughing. “Sure Niall.” He shook his head, glad for the laugh but Niall frowned and sat up to face him. “No I mean it, I was his best friend he told me.” He said seriously, Zayn thought about it for a moment, maybe they were best friends, he hadn’t really noticed. Sure he knew Harry and Louis were best friends, but weren’t they all just best friends? Why would Niall say that? Did Liam really not think of him as a best friend? It all puzzled him, it all just made him feel sick. 

Perrie nodded her head, kissing the bottom of his chin gently, he rubbed the soft skin of her tummy lightly, as she looked up at him again. “I think it’s a great idea.” She told him with supporting eyes. This made his lips curl upward, for the first time in a very long time he actually thought he was doing something right. He pressed his lips to her forehead, kissing down for what felt like a little too long. She closed her eyes, enjoying his new found affection towards her. 

“What are you doing today?” He asked once he had pulled away, just because he no longer had work didn’t mean she could just stay at home all day. She was given a few days off after the accident, and she was allowed to attend the funeral but being in Little Mix meant her life was still heavily demanding. The girls were working on a new album which meant she was having to spend hours in the studio writing and recording while Zayn was moping at home. It wasn’t the best arrangement but they were both living through it the best they could.

“I have a photo shoot.” She said cutely, using her baby voice, he chuckled lightly, cuddling her closer. “Is it an underwear shoot?” He asked cheekily, causing her to blush a tiny bit, “No, but I am sure me Mam would love that.” She giggled rolling her eyes. He pouted, running his hands through her hair again and pecking her lips ever so lightly. “Well I don’t know about your mum but I would.” He told her with a sly grin. 

She giggled, whacking his arm playfully, he could feel her heart racing against his chest. She was always so innocent, one of the things that made him crazy about her. She was always herself around him, around anybody. No hiding behind some stupid image, not trying to be who everyone else expected her to be. He just wished he had the same kind of confidence, she was just so, Perrie...

He watched her as she dressed herself, he laid back on the bed wearing only a towel as she blow dried her hair, the blonde locks that she loved so dearly were finally long enough to fall down her back like she had wanted to naturally do for as long as he could remember. She looked gorgeous as she turned around eye liner in hand. He smiled to himself as she walked back over to him, asking him to zip the back of her dress up. He gently pulled the zip all the way shut, ending with himself wrapping his arms around her tiny waist. “Zayn, I really have to go soon.” She reminded him with a small giggle. He turned her around to face him, looking her up and down with a smile. “You don’t have to, you could just call in ill.” He suggested, not wanting her to leave. She sighed heavily, breaking the embrace before he could convince her otherwise. “I really must, but I will come home with some Indian take away, Jade has found the cutest little restaurant just up the road from the studio.” She explained, he laid back listening to her waffle on about the food, something she loved almost as much as singing, almost as much as her. 

“Okay, when will that be?” He asked as she slipped on her shoes. She thought for a moment, trying to calculate the time. “Probably around five if we’re lucky.” He nodded, that was a long time, but at least she was trying, if the situation were reversed he would hate to think of what he would be like in her shoes. He was somewhat of a coward when it came to feelings, he wouldn’t know what to do if she wanted to talk about her loss. 

“I will see you at five.” She told him, leaning against his body, kissing his tender lips a couple of times before she really did have to leave him alone. He listened out for her car as it left the garage. A large sigh escaped his lips but there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t going to let her ruin her career over him, over Liam in a matter of speaking.   
He had to laugh though when he checked his phone only to find a message from Harry. ‘Taylor is at my house. Please make an excuse to come over...’ He rolled over against his pillows, figuring Harry would be fine with Taylor for a few hours, it would be easy after all he did survive those three months a few years back. What more harm could she do? Last Zayn heard she had been linked to Penn Badgley, an actor from America. Harry was probably safe, but it was hard to tell with Taylor sometimes. 

He tossed his phone across the bed as he buried his head into the messy sheets. Thinking back to 2012. Liam had burst into his hotel room laughing his head off. He had been annoyed at Liam for waking him up from a well deserved rest, but he didn’t voice his annoyance knowing Liam wouldn’t fight back and he would feel bad instantly. 

“What’s so funny?” He had asked, noticing the amusement written all over Liam’s face. He looked into Zayn’s eyes and chuckled. “Harry is front page news on every bloody news paper in the country.” He snorted, taking his phone out to reveal a Google search he had conducted on Harry’s name.   
“What’s a Haylor?” Zayn asked with a frown, it sounded like a disease or something. He didn’t piece it together in time, Liam just rolled his eyes at Zayn’s stupidity. “Harry and Taylor.” He explained, Zayn nodded. It made sense, he had heard that people called him and Perrie, Zerrie but he never really paid attention to what the media were saying about him. He had just learnt not to care. 

They had all been secretly glad that they weren’t the ones in the media, displayed like an accident waiting to happen. Everybody saw the end coming, probably everyone except Taylor. Liam had been there the night Harry was complaining about her accusations. “Like I would cheat!” He scoffed, sending an aching feeling deep inside of Zayn’s stomach. Harry mightn’t be a cheater but he was, and although he felt bad about it he didn’t think it was a reflection on his character. But clearly Harry did, to him it was a dirty word and in a way Zayn did agree with him, it still made him sick to his stomach every time he thought about it.   
He reached back over to grab his phone, quickly shooting Perrie a text. ‘I love you xxx’ He sent, hoping she knew that already, but hoping she would understand that he didn’t mean to hurt her – ever. Somehow he was going to make it right, for himself, for Perrie and for Liam.


	4. Mad World

Chap 4  
Mad World

Flashes of guilt erupted like an explosion through Niall’s mind, the poisonous guilt was what pulled him out of his bed every single night, what made him stay awake until all hours of the evening thinking back to the days where Liam was still alive, where Liam would have jumped at a chance to help his friend through the night. 

 

Visions controlled Niall’s sleeping patterns, memories haunted his mind. The times they had shared together the boys, the band, those times were good and those times were very bad. How was one to move on when every part of your body, every sense of your warn out mind would fill in a horrendous visionary picture of every single perfect moment, every single good memory or pure happiness and joy erupted inside your head. What if it was his fault, what if the accident was all because of him?

 

Liam was always happy, his smile was something the boys counted on. Even when he was scared, even when he didn’t want to smile there it was planted along his poised lips. The reddened smirk of a happy boy was something Niall always turned to for reassurance, but now that smile was what haunted his mind every single night.   
“Niall, look at them all!” He remembered standing on the interior side of the Sunrise studio, the crowd was something they hadn’t seen before, people from Australia knew who they were, they had flocked from miles away just to get a glance at them. The lingering taste of vegemite stung against his tongue, something he had been so eager to try, something that would make him remember this silly little country, one that was similar to his own. 

 

That smile was there that day, just like every other day. It wasn’t as if Liam never cried, because they all did. The world wasn’t perfect, but for Liam it might as well have been. His tears never lasted long, Niall had always joked it was because sadness was no match for the sunshine filled heart of his fellow band mate, until his death, that had always seemed like a joke, always something said in light hearted banter, but what if he was wrong? What if Liam’s happiness wasn’t a match for the sadness that evidently caused his death? What if it was all his fault?   
He started mulling around pointless thoughts, trying to guess all the horrid things Liam would probably think about all things post his death. Could Liam really blame him? Niall had taken the death badly, perhaps worse than the rest of the band. Everyone knew Harry was trying to drown his sorrows with alcohol, it was all over the news, nobody paid any attention to Zayn anymore because he never left the house, and Louis? All the media were concerned about was the fact that Eleanor publically comforted him, and how he just blew her off, as if the most important thing in their lives were bloody Eleanor. It made him sick how everything turned back to the golden couple, what about the rest of them? What about Liam? 

 

Sure, it wasn’t like he didn’t stir up a quirky headline, because he did. His meltdown was front page news, despite the adult community probably having low tolerance to the bad behaved band members, the adult community didn’t give a damn if he was hurting, and Niall didn’t blame them either.   
“Get the bloody hell out of here!” He had screeched, and no matter how hard Zayn had tried to hold him back, his words nobody could control. “You make me sick! This is a funeral!” He kept screaming at the group of girls who had waltzed onto the property, fans didn’t seem to know what appropriate time and place meant. 

 

When one of them pointed her camera in her direction, snapping a photo of his angry face, something inside of him snapped, he couldn’t control his menacing words as he continued to yell abuse at the young teenagers, he didn’t care why they were there, they didn’t even know Liam, they only knew the Liam from the television interviews. They were nothing to him, nothing at all. Still a week later, Niall still fumed at the memory. How dare they invite themselves to something so sacred, the goodbye of a friend, the goodbye of a brother. 

 

“Niall, hey shh, its okay mate.” Zayn cooed into his ear, patting his hair down, whispering comfort into his ear, Niall didn’t want to calm down, he wanted to scream and fight, maybe it was the low tolerance of alcohol he had tested many times prior, or maybe it was the fact that Liam couldn’t even have privacy at his own funeral. All Niall knew was the anger that boiled in the pit of his stomach, that disgusting feeling that wouldn’t leave no matter how hard he tried to remove it. 

@NiallOfficial It was meant to be a goodbye to a friend,  
you don’t even know him. You had no right to be there. 

@NiallOfficial I feel sick

 

@NiallOfficial Tears aren’t enough, goodbye’s are always tough. I never thought it would be so soon.

@NiallOfficial I am trying so hard

@NiallOfficial I won’t be tweeting for a while. I am sorry.

 

He had considered going away for a while, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave town. The world was where Liam was, the world was where they spent most of their lives. It just wasn’t fair, every place, every memory, every time. It all came back to Liam. He didn’t want to be reminded, in a way he wanted to just forget it all and move on. Moving on was heartless, he felt guilty even suggesting it to his mind. He needed closure, but for some reason he wasn’t willing to get it. He wanted to suffer, that’s what he believed he deserved.   
Life was tricky, being one of the most popular artists in the world was tough, no privacy at all. It was something he missed from his old life. Now in his time of grief, the fans didn’t even back off. All those stupid reblog is you support Niall bull was starting to get on his nerves. Reblogging doesn’t change a thing, it’s a waste of time. He didn’t want their sympathy, he didn’t need anything from the people who crashed the funeral. It was Liam’s day, not theirs. Photographs of the event were still streaming all over social media, enough to make him want to delete his accounts. 

 

He just couldn’t bring himself to do that, to cut himself off from the world. He needed the option, to have those things there in case he changed his mind. He used to love scrolling through his mentions, or just simply looking through random tags but not anymore. Even a simple word or number would pull up results about the funeral. The whole world was talking about it, even those who hated the band.   
Everything that Liam stood for was taken away from him in his last moments of existence. Too many times had he complained about the way everyone treated his girlfriend, how they’d send her hate or stalk her at work. He just wanted some peace, and they couldn’t even give him a peaceful funeral? 

 

A smile whisked across his face as he sat down on the floor of his bedroom recalling a time when Liam walked in on him strumming the chords of a popular song from the time, he had interrupted, not by talking over the top of him, but by singing along with him. The pair of them sang their hearts off for a good twenty minutes before they were shuffled off into a van and driven to a day filled with various tiring interviews. 

It was small things like that, which Niall missed the most. Having the little things pulled away, knowing that never again would he sing beside him, never again would he watch as Liam tried his hardest to ruin Harry’s solo’s. Never again would he see how his face lit up each time they entered a new city. It was all gone, and never coming back again. 

A phone call interrupted his thoughts, he scampered to grab the machine that he hadn’t heard go off for days. A quick swipe of his thumb answered the call for him. “Hey are you busy today?” Harry asked on the other end. A confused frown ran across his face, why would Harry choose to interact with him? Was Louis busy? It didn’t make sense.   
“No, what were you thinking?” He asked with a yawn, he wanted Harry to be under the impression that he had interrupted some important snooze time, he didn’t want people knowing that he hadn’t slept through the night since it happened. 

 

“Well I was thinking, come and rescue me from Taylor.” He answered in a muffle, obviously trying to keep his voice down. At first he was tempted to say no, why would he bother leaving the house to help Harry escape a girl he had always despised but he was too tired to even object. “Be right over mate.” He answered softly, grabbing his keys from the dresser and slipping a jacket over his singlet as he walked down the long corridor of his messy house. He hadn’t cleaned it in a week, nor had he paid for anyone else to do it either. 

It was only ten minutes later that he was pulling up outside Harry’s place, walking straight to the door only to be greeted by the fairytale blonde with her fake smile, and bouncing ponytail. “Niall, so nice to see you.” She sang, stepping aside for him to march in. 

March he did, straight past her without any acknowledgement. He knew where Harry’s bedroom was, and he headed straight there not saying a word to the preppy American. He knocked his fingers lightly against the door, before walking in to find Harry sprawled out on the bed lazily. 

“You didn’t, ya know....” He trailed off, not being able to form the words sex and Taylor in the same sentence, not again. He had promised himself two years ago that he would never say such a thing again, and he wasn’t breaking his promise for anything. 

Harry shook his head without a hint of hesitation. “No! Of course I didn’t!” He exclaimed, sitting up out of protest. He knew people would assume that, even though he had made it very clear when they had ended that he would never make that mistake again. 

Niall chuckled to himself, taking a seat on the bed to be comfortable. “Good, cos that would be a step back.” He informed his friend of four years, they never really talked about relationships the pair of them, probably because he didn’t have many, and well Harry didn’t like talking about the ones he had. 

“I must have drunk dialled her.” He explained sheepishly, rubbing his tired eyes and laying back down against the pillows. Niall watched his friend’s frail features, he did look rough, he knew it was tough on all of them, but never actually thought Harry would be so beat up over it. He was probably the least close with Liam of the lot of them, not that he knew the whole story, it was just something he had observed. 

“Idiot” Niall muttered, shaking his head in disapproval. “Should have deleted her number you tosser.” He had told Harry many times to delete all traces of his ex years ago, but of course the youngster didn’t listen, he never did. It was something they all noticed, something they all hated about the youngest member. 

“I didn’t ask her to come! She asked herself.” He groaned, obviously suffering from a headache he had brought on to himself. Drinking and Harry didn’t always mix well. He would drink to get rid of his headache, which of course only made it worse within time, he was naive at the best of times, and although it was amusing, Niall felt sorry for him quite often. 

“You didn’t ask her to write a song about ya either.” He chuckled, laying back beside his friend, letting out a giant sigh. He could hear Harry’s light laugh from beside him, but he didn’t look up to see his facial expression.   
He knew exactly what his friend would have looked like, they practically lived in each others pockets for most of the year, all five of them, all four of them were as close as anything. It was a friendship crafted for them, one they didn’t pick themselves. It was something they would never have chosen, they were all so different, yet so very the same. 

 

“He would be laughing at him right now.” Harry whispered softly, the mention of ‘he’ made Niall shiver, Harry didn’t even have to say his name, because Niall knew exactly which he Harry was referring to. Niall wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, he was still trying to deny the fact that it happened. Like as if it was some belated April fools, one that wasn’t funny anymore. 

 

“I-please don’t.” He stuttered over his words, not knowing how to begin. He wanted Harry to know that it hurt too much to think about Liam, too much so that he couldn’t bring himself to say his name anymore, like as if it was some kind of dirty word. Liam was gone, and Niall didn’t find himself worthy of speaking about his memory as if it was nothing. He couldn’t joke about it just yet, but obviously Harry could. The lump in his throat continued to grow as he could vision himself being sick right there in Harry’s bed. 

“Hey I didn’t mean to upset you. I miss him too yeah?” Niall nodded, but he didn’t look at the younger boy, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Liam was gone, and he couldn’t change that, he couldn’t take back any of it, he couldn’t just bring Liam back from the dead, he couldn’t go back in time and stop the car from leaving that night.   
“I just can’t Harry.” He whispered as strong flowing tears dripped down his plush cheeks, he wiped them away with the sleeves of his jacket, but they only kept coming. He hated that Liam broke him, he hated how weak he seemed, but without his best friend, what was his life going to end up like? What was going to happen next? 

“You don’t have to.” Harry whispered back sweetly, the two of them laid out in silence for what felt like a lifetime, no technology, no speaking just silence. Niall felt like silence was his new best friend, and also arch enemy at the same time. It was as if he was trapped between having someone there to comfort him, who also had the ability to destroy him one step at a time. 

The sound of Taylor’s high heels squeaking across the tiles of Harry’s hallway send shivers up and down his spine, she was coming, and both boys knew it. It seemed silly that two men were laid on a bed together afraid of little girl, scared of what lurked behind the door. Taylor was harmless, they both knew this, yet there they both were stiff as cheese as her footsteps grew closer and closer until the door handle was being turned slowly.


End file.
